Some Quotables

"Everybody in the government this week is suddenly trying to think of ways to conserve energy. For example, the smoke that blows out of the president's ass when he's talking about this issue is now from clean-burning ethanol."
---Bill Maher

"Condoleezza Rice is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Experts say that claiming to be the most popular member of the Bush administration is like claiming you got the 'good' kind of Herpes."
---Conan O'Brien

"Today, of course, was the `Day Without Immigrants' ... Or as the Native Americans call it, the good old days.
---Jay Leno

"Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as Secretary of Defense. Only problem: you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population."
---Stephen Colbert

"I mean, it seems like every time I turn on the TV these days, I see some ad for some drug I never heard of, to treat some disease I never heard of. That's not a stomach ache you have from eating the chili-cheese fries at Johnny Rockets, it's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Or I.B.S. Or as I call it, "B.S." Which would also apply to the dreaded "Social Anxiety Disorder." Or as we used to call it, "shyness." And we treated it with an old home recipe: scotch and water."
---Maher